November/December 2005

Hollywood or Bust

Help your child win critical acclaim in this year’s holiday play ... even in if they are just a snowflake

By Larry Maddry

This is the time of year when schools go into show biz. Across Hampton Roads teachers are getting together to plan for either the Thanksgiving, Christmas or holiday play.

As a parent, you will want to make sure your school-age child is ready for whatever part comes his or her way. But it’s vital to land an important role if he or she is going to be a movie star who might buy you a mansion or yacht after signing a mega-million-dollar film contract.

After all, you could have a budding Brad Pitt or Julia Roberts upstairs, scattering clothes across their rooms and leaving lights on all around the house. You should go see their teacher immediately. Be aggressive. And don’t be afraid to lie a little.

Let’s say your child’s name is Verleen. You may want to say something like this: “I hope you’re not thinking of giving Verleen a minor role in the holiday play like Mrs. Edwards did last year. Verleen was a snowflake and so good the man who does the weather on channel nine said she was the most realistic snowflake he’d ever seen on stage. But she was surrounded by other flakes and couldn’t truly fulfill herself as an actress. I think she’ll need a much bigger part this year, don’t you?”

While snowflake parts are OK for girls, they can be a career-destroying role for a boy. I don’t care how young he is. Wearing a white, fluffy suit while skipping across a stage and yelling “wheee” is not going to get your boy many favorable out-of-town notices.

No matter how much you may think of the teacher, explain that your son is not going to be a snowflake unless he can wear a Pittsburgh Steelers football helmet and carry a machine gun under his arm.

Yep. That should do it.

Speak to your child and tell him, or her, to protest if they get a bad part. And explain to each the importance of recognizing a bad part when it’s offered. Tell them teachers are very subtle and manipulative. For instance, they clap their hands together with excitement and say: “Who would like to be Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer?” Every hand in the class will reach for the ceiling.

Tell your child—no matter what the teacher says—any animal role is a bummer. None of the critics or talent scouts in the audience can tell who is inside a camel, or a Rudolph, or a horse pulling a sleigh through the woods to grandma’s house.

Remember, even in the unlikely event your child is inside an animal that gets a favorable press review, he will only get half the credit! Usually, it takes two children to portray one animal, and it smells like the ape cage at the zoo once both spend a bit of time inside the costume.

For all the good your child is doing as the rump end of a camel ... he might as well be a snowflake!

And a special word about plays involving manger scenes and The Three Wise Men, etc. Parents frequently ask me which role is best for a child selected to be part of a manger scene. Generally speaking—in poker terms—a Mary (or Joseph) beats two kings ... and a shepherd.

(Also note: In schools with few actors, a child who can play two of the three kings simultaneously almost always gets complimentary reviews.)

Finally, a word of caution*** While the role of baby Jesus is certainly central to the manger scene, it’s not really a perfect stepping stone to movie stardom. Your child has to be very small to play the part, and the role requires a supremely angelic expression while lying motionless on hay. These are extremely hard to sustain, especially with bunches of hay bristling under your butt.

Keeping the few rules and cautions above in mind should make your child ready for an important part in this joyous holiday season.