Nov/Dec 2006

Football Freaks

Rules for determining if it's time to blow the whistle on your pigskin passion

By Larry Maddry

Lo the winter cometh and the grunts and groans of football players can be heard in stadiums across the land ... and so can the moans of despair from those who believe football is a serious waste of time. So how much football interest is normal? And how much is excessive? To help you decide, we offer the following guidelines.

HOW TO TELL IF YOU ARE A FOOTBALL PSYCHO:

• Your big-screen television is larger than your refrigerator.
• You complain and argue with officials as though they are in the same room with you and capable of hearing.
• You have an animal-pet possum, dog, cat or gold fish-that you dress up in the same team colors you wear on game day.
• You believe that the minute a referee sticks his head under the hood fabric of a replay viewer, his brains are sucked out through his ears.
• You are planning to take your family to Thanksgiving dinner at an ESPN Zone restaurant.
• If someone in your family is seriously injured (say from falling down a flight of stairs), you promise to take him or her directly to the hospital ... as soon as it's halftime.
• You talk to players on your team during the game as though they can hear you, saying things like, "OK guys, let's suck it up ... watch out for the draw play ... deck the quarterback."
• Your recliner has arms with doors on it that contain more ice and beer than some 7-Elevens.
• You subscribe to an online website for fans of your team that sends emails with vital information, such as when the defensive linebacker is celebrating a birthday or the number two punter is undergoing dental surgery.
• You think there aren't nearly enough bowl games to watch during the holidays and would never miss one on television, even if it was billed as the Evangelical Oceans Bowl and featured Atlantic Christian versus Pacific Methodist.
• When watching a televised game at the home of a friend who is rooting for the opposing team playing at home, you feel obligated to say something nice about his side: usually about the swell body parts of a cheerleader, the nice scoreboard, or the fine condition of the stadium turf.
• You recently initiated a petition drive and collected signatures that called for changing PTA meetings from Monday to Tuesday nights because of the conflict with Monday Night Football.
• Pizza Hut and Domino's Pizza send you Christmas cards and never bother asking for your address when you order.
• You frequently bounce up and down and spike an imaginary football when your team scores a touchdown.
• You refuse to answer any question during the game until halftime and like to time your visits to the bathroom so they coincide with television commercials that don't show girls wearing cheerleader skirts and swigging beer.
• You think it would be appropriate for your pastor to lead the congregation in prayer for your team's victory on Super Bowl Sunday.
• The few times you go hunting or fishing on game day, you make certain your iPod or portable television goes with you.
• If your cell phone rings during the game and the caller says, "What's up?" you reply, "We are ... by six points."